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I spent most of my teenage years and some of my adulthood beneath the shroud of oversized sweaters. Hiding my body. Concealing curves and cellulite and pale skin.
I would pull a sweater over my head—the bigger the better—every morning, willing my body away. Sometimes, I would even swim fully clothed, in a T-shirt and shorts, citing my false fear of potential sunburn. That girl was unwittingly feeding and feeding her shame. It had a boundless appetite. She could never have conceived that one day she would be standing naked in her living room, preparing for somebody to take photographs of her, preparing to Merrell down and dirty White Rock those photographs on the internet.
Rather, it was countless little moments, wedged between that girl hiding in the sweater and the twenty-nine-year-old woman I am.
Last year, the idea of my body was on my mind—a lot. I thought about it first when I woke up in the morning.
I thought about it when I put my arms knnow the puffy sleeves of my winter jacket. I thought about it Blainville gay island subway cars where I would watch other commuters—people who seemed, to me, to be blissfully unaware of their bodies and how those bodies were perceived.
I thought about it when I would catch the silvery flash of my reflection in the mirror before I went to sleep. I thought about my beauty. Or my ugliness. I thought about it all the time. Which one I possessed. Or which one possessed me. For a brief time, when I was just a kid, my idea of beauty was synonymous with my mother and the moles speckled along her.
There were too many other ideas: glossy magazine spreads, infomercials for magic weight-loss pills, that scene of Oprah equating the weight she had lost to chunks of fat she rolled out in New mom groups Drummondville wagon, and Britney Spears circaemerging from a curtain of jewels and beads with her flat, tanned belly in low-rise pants on the cover of her second album, Oops! Of course, I was the girl who deliberately turned from the mirror before getting dressed.
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